in retrospect

There’s photos of you that don’t show
all that time I spent averting my eyes
subverting our love
perhaps wasting precious time
I remember sitting on that grassy hill
burnt sienna soil
maroon dazed city
you laughed as I peed in the parking lot
you crawled under me in the grass
you sweated, sunscreened in the summer
you hugged the swimming children
one day, you said you were
coming to terms with the fact that we may not always be
together
I sat silent on the porch, squinting
chirping dusk, toweled up
Those days where you were concerned with me
meaning I mattered greatly to you
meaning that happened
it did occur
on blue days I hold tightly to that
that first love, no take-backs
I pout and tug in your memory
saying, that was real
you can’t forget it.